“It’s not enough to love your kids. You have to know how to communicate your love to your child so he genuinely feels loved.”
-Dr Gary Chapman, author of the 5 love languages of children
I didn’t discover the 1992 book The 5 Love Languages: How to Express Commitment to your Mate by Gary Chapman until 2018. Recently, I’ve been contemplating this concept and how it applies to all types of love-especially with my baby. As it turns out, in 1997 Dr. Chapman co-authored another book called The 5 Love Languages of Children.
The concept of the 5 Love Languages is that we are all give and receive love in 5 main ways. Each person has one primary and one secondary love language. Determining your loved one’s love language can help foster a healthier and more loving relationship.
The five love languages are:
- Words of Affirmation (Compliments and saying “I love you”)
- Quality time (Special time with undivided attention)
- Receiving gifts (Can be pretend gifts as well as real gifts)
- Acts of Service (Cooking, cleaning or just about anything you do for your child)
- Physical Touch (Hugs, kisses, holding hands, cuddles)
Dr. Chapman asserts that children need to be shown all five languages, but figuring out the primary love language of your child is important. It will help you strengthen your bond and might even help with unwanted behavior. I very consciously show my love in all 5 love languages daily to my daughter. Be aware that it might be harder to tell your child’s primary love language if they are very young. Also, the primary love language might change as they grow and go through their various “stages”.
Words of Affirmation
Saying “I love you” is definitely not something my family did growing up. This is something my daughter’s father was very used to saying with his family. I got used to freely telling my daughter “I love” her and she in turn says it freely to me.
How to Tell Your Child is asking for/values Words of Affirmation:
- Visibly blushes/beams with pride when you praise them.
- Asks you how they did/what you think of something they did.
Quality Time
As I have full custody of my daughter she has literally all of my time (including when I’m in the bathroom). Quality time might also include when she has my undivided attention. This means no TV on and no cell phones or computers open. It could mean we do something special like at a day at a park or even just sitting around on our reading rug at home.
How to Tell Your Child is asking for/values Quality Time:
- She/he might say “Come play with me!”
- They call you over to join them in whatever they are doing.
- He/she tries to join in your activities.
Giving and Receiving Gifts
My daughter has been giving “pretend gifts” since she was two, She would walk up to people and hand them something we can’t see. I would tell them to open it and to act surprised at whatever it was. This was a fun little game my daughter still likes to play.
How to Tell Your Child is asking for/values Giving and Receiving Gifts:
- He/she might say “My mom loves me” when opening a gift.
- They might value wrapped gifts.
- She/he might make you gifts such as drawings or other crafts.
Acts of Service
As a mom, I’m sure you are saying, “I do acts of service all day long”. Although you definitely do acts of service all day long, there are also special acts of service as well. One of the acts of service I find is most appreciated is when I make my baby her favorite meal or snack. She loves my Ants on a Log recipe and when I make it, I know she appreciates it! Maybe she’s a bit too young to really articulate it. Actually, acts of service in the form of making and serving food is the ultimate Asian love language.
How to Tell your Child is asking for/values Acts of Service:
- He/she might say “My mom loves me” when you make their favorite recipe.
- They might say “Thank you! I love you” when you do something for them.
Physical Touch
My daughter is still in her cuddling/hugging/hand holding stage of toddlerhood. I realize that may or may not always be the case as she grows up (especially the dreaded pre teen and teenage years). But, on the other hand if physical touch is her primary love language it might always be the case. Regardless, I savor every moment of “kissy monster’ and big hugs and cuddling on the couch.
How to Tell your Child is asking for/values Physical Touch:
- He/she might ask you for hugs and/or kisses.
- They might request to sit in your lap.
- She/he might be very physical around you such as playing with your hair or jumping on your back.
Like I said, right now, not only do I speak to my child using all 5 love languages, but she does as well. It’s really hard to tell what her primary love language is at this time, but just being conscious of them has helped me to feel my little girl is truly getting the love she deserves from me!
Please Remember 2 Savor all the little ways you show love!
