Death is one of the hardest things to talk about with your child. Having had to face my own mortality as a cancer survivor and a mother, I have had to think about death since she was born. Not only my own death (hopefully in a long, long time from now) but also those around us and even eventually her own. What’s more, I’ve long contemplated how to go about discussing death with my child.
It’s important that you first think about your personal spiritual belief. When I say spiritual, I don’t necessarily mean religious. Religion is a vehicle to get you to spirituality. But it’s possible to be spiritual without religion. That’s what I believe and I absolutely respect everyone’s personal belief.
It’s important you know your own belief as I feel (like most things in this life) it will guide you through discussing death.
A Death in the Household Helped To Broach the Topic
The death that helped broach the subject was of my daughter’s first pet. A goldfish. We got this fish (we think it’s a boy) at a street fair at a ball booth. Immediately, my daughter named him “Bridge”. I bought him fish food at Target on the way home.
That night we gave Bridge fresh water and a quick feeding.
The next morning, my toddler woke up and immediately said, “Let’s go check on the goldfish!”.
Unfortunately, Bridge was floating on his side and I knew he wasn’t going to wake up.
But my baby didn’t realize. She asked me what was wrong with Bridge.
“Oh, baby. I’m so sorry. It looks like Bridge died”.
For some reason, her face and demeanor made no visible reaction. She simply took it in and kept looking in the bowl.
I think the fact that she has seen a dead fish body before helped her process. Her father is a fisherman and so he has given us whole fish to eat. The fact that a little mini fish was her first ever pet maybe lessened the impact of dealing with his demise.
When to Talk about Death with Your Child
Death is definitely not an easy topic to talk about period. It’s up there with sex on the list of difficult topics.
Figuring out your own belief is first and foremost.
Next would be figuring out your comfort level of the age to discuss it.
For some parents it’s important to not talk about difficult subjects until their kids are older. I know my daughter is only three, but I think it is a very real and very important subject. Also, I was pregnant when diagnosed with breast cancer, and went through active, aggressive life saving treatment the first year of her life. We also all lived (and some of us died) through a worldwide pandemic that same year.
As her parent, I believe she is ready to hear truths of life.
Also, as an older mom myself, my parents are therefore older grandparents. The time will one day come when they will leave the earth. I think it’s important to me that my daughter has some sort of concept of death. So when she does lose someone close to her, she might be a bit more prepared as to what it means.
How We Handled (our pet) Bridge’s Death
My toddler’s pet goldfish only lived a night in our house. But his death actually opened a door for a deep discussion of death.
I told her that Bridge was crossing the “rainbow bridge”. This is a bridge that pet owners say their animals cross when they die. I’m not sure why she named him Bridge but it turned out to be fitting. Although it’s been recommended not to use “euphemisms” to children when discussing death of loved ones. I felt as a parent, it was appropriate at this time to soften the impact and explain in real words what some people believe of loss of pets.
I told her that Bridge is now resting in peace and that’s what happens when people and animals and plants die. The way I explained it was that it’s like they are asleep but forever. They don’t come back to this earth in the same way again. And I said their bodies won’t wake up but we have souls that live forever. The soul will fly free and move on to the next dimension.
My daughter seemed to listen and might have understood. She didn’t have questions about what I said. She seemed at peace herself.
I asked her if she wanted a “burial at sea” (a la the toilet) for Bridge. She said no, she wanted to bury him at her grandparents’ house. This was actually a great idea because it gave me an opportunity to explain funerals and what happens at them.
Funeral for the Living to Say Goodbye to the Friend
We buried Bridge in a small red gift box in my parents’ backyard. My dad dug the hole while my mom said a prayer. Although not the best singer, I sung “Amazing Grace”.
Then I said a few words to Bridge. I said, “Bridge, thank you for being our first ever pet. I’m sorry you left us so soon but I think you have fulfilled your purpose on this earth. We should all be so lucky. May you rest in peace and cross the Bridge when you get there. Good bye Bridge.”
My parents said “You were a good boy”.
It appeared that my daughter was solemn but contemplative at the funeral. She chose not to talk but listened to everything.
I told her she could come to this little grave site to remember Bridge whenever she visited her grandparents. It seemed to give her peace.
And that’s what we hope for in times like these.
What the Experts Say about Talking to Your Child
According to this article I found on parents.com, it’s common for young toddlers not to ask questions. Also they might not show any emotion as they aren’t really processing the concept of death as an adult would. Though it’s important to make sure the child knows death is permanent. A lot of young children will often be confused as to when a loved one will “come back” after passing. Which is also why using soft words such as “passing on” or “in a better place” might confuse a young child. It is suggested to be more direct with the words “death” and “dying”.
A lot of the research articles out there are focused on dealing with the grief and emotions. They avoid mentions of “spirituality” specifically of course. But it is suggested if you have a specific spiritual belief of an afterlife, that you share it with your child at that time.
It is also suggested that you make talks of death and dying a part of normal conversation. Waiting until someone close to you has already passed before bringing up the subject might make it harder for both parent and child. Using opportunities such as a dead houseplant or a dead insect can help you to bring up the subject.
Key Points to Remember to Help you Talk to Your Child
Here are some key points to remember when talking to a child about the loss of a loved one:
- Use simple and direct words to explain the loss.
- Offer comfort and listen to their concerns.
- Ask if they have questions.
- It’s okay to not have all the answers.
- Explain the process of funerals or other services if there are any.
- Help your child to remember the loved one and to grieve.
“Well, we were born to die.”
William shakespeare-romeo & juliet
Death is something we all share as living beings on this planet. Nobody will live forever. It is very much a part of life. So it should be a natural part of conversation with our kids as well. I feel like it makes it less scary and more peaceful.
Wishing you all peace and happiness. And most especially Remember 2 Savor every moment you have on this earth!
