I’m a young cancer survivor. And most people honestly don’t know what to say to me when they learn of my experience. Admittedly, it’s awkward. And with my background in social work/Psychology, I probably have more empathy than most. Here’s my advice if someone you know is diagnosed with cancer or any disease. Or actually, if they go through anything traumatic such as losing a child or spouse, etc. Because it’s important. And it’s a part of life. Here’s what to say to a cancer survivor or any survivor.
What Not to Say to a Cancer Survivor (or Any Survivor)
“When people say to me, I just can’t imagine going through what you are. I just feel so alone.” -Actress Lauren London on people’s reaction to the death of her partner Nipsey Hustle.
I’ve really run the gamut of things people have said to when they find out I had cancer.
The other day I was talking to a seasoned school professional about my daughter. She was laughing asking how “my cancer was going”. Now I know this is pretty shocking reaction from a stranger on my end. I guess you had to be there. But I could see she seemed uncomfortable and used laughter as a coping mechanism. So I was understanding and had empathy for her.
Just to be clear: Laughing to make things lighter isn’t the best idea.
Also, I’ve been ghosted by friends and family.
Cancer really has its gifts and its shows you who isn’t there. But it also shows you who is.
Here’s What To Say to A Cancer Survivor (or Any Survivor)
First, understand it’s not about you. Understandably everyone is different. And we have all had our own experiences with cancer. Some of us have lost people close to us to it. So, it might trigger feelings within if you hear of someone’s diagnosis. But if you are the friend/family of someone who’s been diagnosed please don’t make it all about you and your feelings.
I recommend a short and sweet, “I’m sorry you are dealing with that. I’m here. I’m listening”
The best thing in my opinion is to acknowledge the person and hold space for whatever way they want to handle it. Some survivors might want to talk about their experiences. Give them space to share.
However, others might not want to at all. Still, give them space.
Why “Let me Know if You Need Anything” isn’t the Best
I’ve heard a lot of survivors say that they don’t like the the phrase “Let me know if you need anything”. It comes off as just as phrase or hollow. Especially if you don’t back it up with concrete examples of what you are capable of doing for them.
Or worse, if you don’t follow up at all.
Maybe you aren’t capable of helping them. And maybe it’s hard for you to deal with emotionally. It’s understandable that it’s awkward and uncomfortable. But don’t mislead them.
If you are capable and are genuinely interested in helping, think of ways to do so. Maybe they might need some babysitting or some meal help once in a while. Also, think of chores such as car washes or laundry. Or even just a phone call/email or text on a fairly consistent basis. And if in doubt, just ask them directly!
The Golden Rule Helps With Guidance
When in doubt with most things, the gold rule prevails. Do unto others as you wold like to have them do unto you.
Try to think of things to do or say that you would want if in their shoes. Typically, that’s a good guidance system.
For everyone who’s going through it right now, God bless you. It’s a journey and a part of life. And you will be stronger.
For everyone who knows someone going through it, God bless you. I hope you too will be stronger.
As Always, Remember 2 Savor every moment of this crazy life.
